It isn’t any secret that the power of the internet is largely wasted on humanity’s collective lack of brain cells, but I am constantly reminded of this fact when I research keyword search volume and discover that an estimated 4,000 people search for “Free Online Ouija Board” every day, with another 2,000+ searching for “Virtual Ouija Boards” and of course, just over 1,000 people searching for “Scary Ouija Board Stories.”
First of all, I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how an online virtual Ouija Board would work AT ALL. Second, what does this search volume indicate about society as a whole? I mean, it used to be that if you wanted to sate some burning desire to… oh I don’t know, be occult, you would shell out the 20 bucks to get a Ouija board and invite a couple of your like-minded friends over for a riotous evening of diabolic entertainment.
But things have clearly changed: the occult appear to neither have the money to buy a real Ouija board nor the real-life friends with whom to delve into its devilish delights. As an often overlooked demographic, I feel the Occult have been forced to bear too much of the nation’s tax burden and the result is an impoverished and isolated segment of society.
Clearly the only solution is to subsidize occult activity and implement a new government program to help integrate the occult back into normal life so that they can make friends with each other. By following this course of action, we can ensure that the Occult are fairly represented in society and will have enough money to buy their own Ouija boards.
WHO IS WITH ME!?